Jun 29, 2024

Dissociated Press

In a break with its long tradition of supporting living candidates, the New York Times Editorial Board has urged President Biden to “just go ahead and die already.”

In an opinion piece on Friday, the Times wrote that “the greatest public service [Biden] can now perform is to expire of natural causes, and then announce that he will continue to run for re-election as a corpse.” Admitting that it might be hard for voters to distinguish Biden’s corpse from the man they just witnessed debating Donald Trump, the Times urged Biden to display his rigor mortis with gusto and make sure to campaign barefoot wearing a toe tag.

The Times explained that since vice-president Kamala Harris is clearly not ready for prime time, Biden should remain in the race posthumously and seek to become the first dead person ever to serve as president. “America’s dead people are still routinely subjected to discrimination in housing, public accommodations, health care, jury service, and other walks of life,” the Times wrote. “They are confined to undesirable neighborhoods that may seem grassy and scenic, but offer only small, mouldering, unheated, rat-and-maggot-infested apartments that no living person would willingly inhabit. Likewise, corpses are banned or heavily restricted from using commercial aviation and other forms of public transportation, instead being consigned to large black gas-guzzling station wagons. And small business owners, believe it or not, are permitted by law to refuse service to dead people. Even more shockingly, some states still have laws on the books prohibiting sex with corpses. In 2024, this is simply unacceptable. By winning re-election as a corpse, Joe Biden can lead the movement for full equality for this oppressed and marginalized group.”

The Times noted that a posthumous Biden candidacy would energize dead people and convince them to get out and vote: “With jab recipients and baby boomers dropping like flies, dead people are America’s fastest-growing demographic group. Yet their voter turnout rate is low, presumably because they have a hard time getting enthusiastic about politics or much of anything else for that matter. By appealing to their pride, the Biden corpse will be able to break through the proverbial ‘coffin wall of apathy’ and convince dead people to vote for someone who looks and smells like them.” The editorialists added that Biden will need a massive turnout of dead people, far more than Chicago ever witnessed under Mayor Daley, to overcome Trump’s lead among the living, and that therefore a genuinely dead candidate, rather than someone who just acts like one, will be necessary to “get out the cadaver vote.”

Simultaneously with the Times’ op-ed, George Soros announced a $100 million dollar program aimed at making it easier for dead people to vote by mail. “If you haven’t been dead yourself, you probably can’t imagine what it’s like trying to push that lid off your coffin and claw through six feet of dirt all the way up to the surface to emerge, trailing rotting clothes and withered strips of putrid flesh, in hopes of lurching your way to the nearest polling station,” a Soros spokesperson explained. “That’s why we need to hire an army of ballot harvesters to help corpses fill out absentee ballots and get them turned in. Democracy depends on it.”

From his federal prison cell, Donald Trump said he would welcome running against Biden’s dead body, which he was pretty sure he could defeat at golf.